


The Feast

by gaysquared



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Abuse is not explicitly discussed, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst heavy, Blow Jobs, Fairy Tail Cast, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Humor, M/M, More sex than originally intended, Natsu is a CSA Survivor, Other Background Romances, PLEASE READ TAGS, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Rimming, Smut, Smut in 3rd chapter, Tags May Change, Vomiting, characters may be ooc, dumb gays, hypersexual Natsu, hypersexuality, may be triggering, sex as self-harm, vignette style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-05-30 04:56:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 17
Words: 13,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6409663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaysquared/pseuds/gaysquared
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natsu tries to cope as he deals with the after-effects of abuse from his childhood. </p><p>Gray/Natsu is the relationship w/ smut but I want the focus to be Natsu's recovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is going to be in collection of vignette chapters that eventually form a story, even if they aren't directly related to each other. 
> 
> This fic discusses in detail the effects of childhood sexual abuse on an adult psyche, and includes mentions of flashbacks, night terrors, self-deprecating thoughts, and sex as a form of self-harm. There will be fluff and smut, but this will also be angst heavy, so please take care of yourself regarding this fic. Natsu may seem a little out of character because of the abuse, but I will try to keep him as in character as possible. This is way for me to deal with my own personal experiences, and open a dialogue about this social problem. 
> 
> Title taken from the poem "The Feast of Stephen," by Anthony Hecht. The poem implies a rape, if you intend to read it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of attempted forced-vomiting as a form of self harm, some self-hate, and also sex as self-harm. 
> 
> The beginning, italicized piece is a part of my own personal prose.

_**The Survivor's Lament** _

_I know there are humans out there who don't crave intimacy, and yet I know that there are so many of us who do. I am one of those who reaches for the stars like a little girl who has only ever dreamed of a field and lightning bugs. A cynic, heart broken, who reaches desperately for the closeness of another. A whole generation of people with twisted hearts and even darker minds, crying to themselves or not at all. The only true attraction I have ever felt is that of being close to another, in no way definable, describable, just the simple and completely suffocating feeling of wanting to melt into another's skin, become smoke, leak into their pores._

_One who wants the unachievable may never be happy, but they will always have a purpose._

_We are such wasted souls, groaning in the dark, under the weight of physics and the fact that we never even truly touch each other, our minds trying, crying to connect, to link and perfect, and all the times you've failed are like stones in your mouth. Who craves like this? It's the weird ones, the true ones, the ones who got screwed up way too young and too fresh and too innocent, who knew what it was to feel completely alone and that hollowness in your chest and the burning in your throat before they even knew other people could ever touch minds, that you could ever see things like another person does and it would pop your little bubble of sanity. But maybe that's all of us._

_But I know them; I know the half broken ones, my people, and we are all a little broken but these, these people are different and I look at them and I see myself and my whole body lurches with the need to be understood. We are like kindergarteners, pigtails and whispering on the playground in a little metal tube, trying not to bump our heads, "do you know it?"_

_I know it, yes I do, I know it. I crave into the night like you, too, into the early hours of the day and all day and I burn like you and I breathe and pretend it isn't there. Like I don't feel alone. You are like me, baby, you're like me, we can be together too, but you're too much like me, just like me, got to be scared too. We are so damn good at being afraid._

_I'm no romantic but I dream of fields and lightning bugs and stars and I like to lie to myself._

_Sometimes I lie awake at night and I'm trying to cry and not to at the same time, little sobs and sniffs and "oh god why's". And I pray like a dying man to a god I'm not sure exists anymore, "please God, please, please," and I'm sobbing, "just give me somebody, let me be close to somebody, please, let somebody know me, let me be close, let me know, let me give all the stars bursting in my heart like the fireflies in the dark and let me, God let me explode, and give me somebody who can hand me some glue to put myself back together again. I don't wanna be your iceberg baby girl anymore, God give me something, someone, give me the sun or the grass or the time."_

_I beg and beg and say, "let me feel close, like they told me I would feel to you before I never felt anything anymore, like they said I would always before the girls picked out my hairs one by one, until they lost their voices and scratched out their throats and got tired of their own naivety. Let me be close to another. Let me be. Let me have that intimacy."_

_And I never get an answer._

___________________

When Natsu finishes sucking Laxus off, he spends a good twenty minutes trying to vomit into the toilet.

The damn prick was a bitch about it, too (the blow job that is). The blond choked him deliberately and kept fucking whining and trying to piss Natsu off.

Natsu decides to fantasize about all ways he could make Laxus' life a living hell. Number one on that list is biting off his dick. He doesn't really feel like going through the physical exertion of a fight with Laxus of all people, though, and lord knows he'd have some explaining to do to the rest of the Guild afterwards.

"He was being a bitch while I was blowing him, so I bit off his dick."

Even if Laxus passed out from blood loss, he'd still have Freed to deal with. Laxus is apparently thick in more than one place if he can't see the way Freed looks at him.

Satisfyingly, Laxus isn't even that long, which gives Natsu a spark of triumph. He's just got girth, and seems to be trying to make up for his lack of length by fucking choking Natsu. Acting like he's eight inches or some shit.

Arrogant prick.

Natsu's not 100% sure, but he thinks Laxus might have deliberately gotten cum on his clothes, too. Just to ruin his day even more.

Although technically Natsu is more at fault for this altercation. Since, you know, he cornered Laxus in the bathroom and all.

He was pissed off. At himself, at Gray, at Laxus, at several people in the Guild, and he needed to blow off some steam. Oh, God. Bad choice of words.

Really, other than the vindictive dick-biting thoughts, all Natsu was thinking while he was sucking him off was "dear lord, please don't make any lightning puns about your penis."

Afterwards, Laxus leaves Natsu on his knees on the hard restroom floor. Natsu pushes down the torrent of self deprecating thoughts that come in a wave of nausea, but it's still a little overpowering.

Little whispers of, "deserved it," and "filthy," whisper through his mind, and the nausea only grows. Fuck, he's gonna puke.

He tries, hovering over the toilet, moving the muscles in his throat, trying to make them think something is wrong. When that doesn't work, he uses two fingers, pushing them into the back of his throat.

He gags, choking on his spit, and heaves over the toilet, but nothing comes out.

He just needs to throw up, and then he'll feel better. All of this will go away. He just has to puke.

He keeps trying, muscles in his abdomen going sore. His gag reflex just isn't strong enough anymore. At one point he gets so frustrated that he starts hitting his fists on the rim of the toilet, willing himself not to cry like a little bitch.

It's no use. He can't do it. And in the end his throat just feels awful and his head is pounding and he's ten times as nauseous as before.

Maybe he'll just go eat something. Have some tea. Go find Happy, pretend he didn't just spend twenty minutes trying to throw up in a bathroom stall and he isn't shaking and pale and he can totally tell if his eyes or watering or if he's crying.

Maybe he'll pick a fight. Maybe he'll look down in shame when Laxus fucking looks at him all smug like he knows some big fucking secret when really he knows fucking nothing. Nothing at all. Fuck.

He does all those things. But when Lucy notices how shaken up he is, even after Gray has stormed off rolling his eyes, and asks him if he's okay, and he shrugs and throws her a smile that she can probably tell is fake as hell, she hugs him.

That makes him think that maybe things aren't quite as bad.

And then she asks him what that stain on his shorts is. He tells her not to worry about it, but she gives him an incredulous look that tells him she definitely fucking knows what that is, Natsu, I wasn't born yesterday.

Eventually she rolls her eyes as if to say, "I don't even want to know," and hugs him again. She walks him and Happy home and even offers to stay over if he wants, but he tells her that he wants to be alone, and besides, he doesn't want to incite Erza's wrath if she were to find out.

He really doesn't want to be alone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little depressing, I know. Things... Well. They'll get better. Eventually. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is mostly my personality forced on Natsu, not gonna lie. But I felt like it needed to be here to set up the foundation for the rest of the story. Angsty, brah.

Natsu's heart is beating so fast his chest hurts. It wasn't something he even noticed until now; but he can feel it convulsing inside of him, every other part of his body still and relaxed as his heart thuds away to its own beat. 

It thuds into the sky and into the stars and the grass and he stops breathing for a moment, just to feel it run through him. There's no reason for it to be going so fast. No reason at all. 

He starts to feel sleepy, and yet there's adrenaline running into his limbs and fingers and toes and his foot itches to move. 

People are just too good at telling lies, and all too good at believing them. That's the problem. He wouldn't feel quite so alone sometimes if that wasn't true. 

People tell a lot of lies, and they don't even know it. 

It's odd, the way everyone else seems to see this, seems to see trauma. Almost as if it were a romantic notion, a tragically beautiful pain all wrapped up in blood-red silk. A tale of suffering for the broken hearted, of a martyr stripped of life, of grief echoing through long dark hallways. 

As if there could be anything holy about this. As if it made him less selfish, made him a better person. As if the memories didn't twist his psyche until he felt like screaming. 

The poor broken soldier, haunted by the past. 

As if. He would die before becoming so weak. 

All this is, is violence. It is violence breathed into him, into his mind and corrupting his thoughts and rewiring his brain. It's just bile in the back of his throat and a nausea that won't go away and the aches that settle into his joints with no warning. 

It is a plain white room. It is not the sadness people so often speak of, of drowning in pain and melancholy drizzle outside a cold window. No. It is just the feeling that you're melting all the way into the floor, and you're never going to get back. 

It is the ease of release when he hurts another person. And the guilt. And the grief. It is release upon excising this violence from himself, from releasing it upon the world as it was given to him. 

And relief is not found in love, at least not the way people seem to think. It is not when somebody tells you they love you and you suddenly realize how much you love yourself. No. 

It's the quiet. It's the air. The feeling of being filled again, in all your healthy and unhealthy ways. The constant weighing of your options on each move to know how much more bad than good it will do and if this is worth it. 

It's blinking and being a little kid again and then somebody pulls you into their lap and runs their fingers through your hair because you're so sure, so sure you're eight years old and you've almost forgotten how to speak. 

It is the worst moments being the same as the best ones. It's the bitterness of all the things you ever wanted but couldn't have. It is laying on the grass and looking up at the stars at midnight, your heart beating so fast you've already forgotten how to feel, and it's the best and worst you've felt in days.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is depressing but I'm on the upside of a mood swing that could end at any moment so let's gooooo
> 
> You get smut next chapter. The consensual kind (aka the only kind, at least in real life). So, more angst, but, smut. I mean? Not a bad trade off? Maybe?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo smut. Angsty smut! It's here. Bc I'm impatient. Deal with it? I think? There'll be more, but like. Have fun. 
> 
> Natsu's clearly and pretty much intentionally at least somewhat OOC here; he admits it to himself; he's acting in ways he doesn't understand. He'll be a little bit more of the Natsu we all know and love next chapter, I think. 
> 
> Also, I curse like a motherfucking sailor, so.

Natsu doesn't do late nights well. Not nights like this, accompanied by an ache, an itch he can't scratch. And no, it isn't the way Gray breathes next to him, slow and easy with presumed sleep, and it isn't the rather ironic warmth coming from him or the thought that it's likely he isn't wearing much under the covers. No, it's something else that's keeping Natsu awake, something else yelling in the back of his mind that he can't quite hear. There's a pressure in his chest that just shouldn't be there, a tick in his legs, which should be too tired for him to even feel. He can hear the clock ticking throughout the quiet of the room, tick tick tick, like it's beating down to something bigger than Natsu and bigger than the long day he's had. He knows he can't get up for fear of waking Gray, and he wonders briefly why the thought of doing so terrifies him, but he dismisses it as he has more urgent things to think about, even if they're ideas he can't quite pinpoint. 

He stares up at the ceiling, a small amount of light coming in from the window he wishes was open so that he could hear something else beside the ticking of that clock. The pop corned ceiling is cast an indigo the color of Gray's hair, and the pattern starts to swirl in his vision as Natsu feels almost as if he's falling into a trance. 

A sexual urge that isn't sexual. Good luck explaining that. Good luck leaking those words out of his mouth, into the open air that is filled only with that damned clock. He isn't even hard. He isn't even hard. Why...

He wishes he could fall into a deep sleep instead of slowly drowning in everything swirling around his head, choking on his own desires and the goddamn ticking...

It wasn't the girls' fault he was in the position. Probably just sheer bad luck, in all honesty. Lucy had offered to share a room with either of the boys, but like hell Erza was going to leave her with one of them, in a room with a single bed. And even if Natsu knew this wouldn't have happened with Lucy, (not because he wasn't attracted to her, because he was), he understood Erza's indignation. And then Happy had left to be with the girls, claiming that Gray and Natsu were too boring to be around when they were all grumpy with each other. 

It's possible he's shaking. He's not sure, as he isn't cold, but then again, when is he ever... His mouth feels dry. His throat, all the way down to his insides it seems. Too bad. 

He hates it when he gets this way. It's goddamn embarrassing... It seems that his pulse might be settling into the ticking of the clock, beating into his head. It's an odd combination, wanting to scream for help and curl up in a ball and taste his nakama's mouth all at the same time. 

He's too weak. Wandering eyes are stronger than he is and his goddamn sanity is breaking down, crumbling under his indignity. Maybe if he just... 

He's too weak. 

"Gray?" He croaks out, throat still dry.  
There's no response beside the regular steady breathing and the ticking of the clock. He tries again. He has to. A little louder this time.  
"Gray?"

A slight "mmhm" is admitted from his right. 

"Gray, are you awake?" He whispers. 

"Mm."

He bites his lip. Self-disgust boils up, just a little. 

"Gray?"

"What is it, Natsu?" Comes the sleepy voice of the ice Mage, muffled from his face pressed into his pillow. 

"Gray..." Natsu is terrified that there's a crack somewhere in his voice that he can't place. 

Gray rolls over to look at him. "What, didya have a nightmare or something?"

Fuck, no. If he'd had a nightmare, Gray's body would probably be covered in third degree burns by now. 

"No, I..." Natsu trails off, unsure of what in the hell to say, but apparently he sounds emotional enough that Gray gets a worried look in his eyes and seems to wake up a little. 

"What's wrong?" The Mage asks, sitting up slightly. 

"Noth– ing–" he chokes out, feeling himself tremble. 

His hand finds Gray's torso, searching blindly and cautiously for something he doesn't understand. Of course Gray isn't wearing a shirt. Why would he be? 

"Natsu, what's wrong?" Gray asks, a little more forcefully this time. His hand, unusually warm for him, grabs softly onto his arm, while Natsu's own palm is drifting lower ever so slightly on the smooth skin of Gray's abdomen. 

"Natsu, talk to me..." 

The dragon slayer looks up into Gray's eyes for the first time, holding his gaze for a moment before letting his eyes slink away again. 

"Gray..." 

And then Natsu's fingers are whispering over Gray's hip, touching lightly, more lightly than probably thought possible by either guild member. 

"I just..." Natsu whispers, unsure, always unsure, and then Gray is moving in closer to him and shivering. 

"Natsu, what are you..." The Mage seems at a loss for words as well as Natsu looks up into his eyes again. 

"Shit, are you even awake?" Gray mumbles, peering into his own gaze. 

In an answer, Natsu's hand moves down to Gray's thigh, (and of course, there's no underwear either), caressing lightly over the soft skin. 

"I..." Natsu tries. "I couldn't sleep."

And then the hand on his arm is moving to his side, trailing down at a pace that almost makes Natsu think that Gray is fighting a conflict in his own movements. 

"I couldn't..." He trails off, and Gray's hand finds the curve of his ass. 

"I just... Wanted..."

He feels like he's running out of air, his fingers trailing over the heat of Gray's cock, and Gray seems so much closer than he was before, and tick, tick, tick, running down, too goddamn quick... 

And then Gray's hand is pushing down his underwear, running over his cock, soft and unsure, and then Natsu is keening and breathing for the first time in what feels like forever as the ice mage's thumb runs over the head, and Natsu isn't even sure when he got hard but there's precome that Gray smears over, fingers gripping tighter. 

"Gray..." His whisper is quiet and breathy in a way that makes him hate himself, but he pushes that thought away as he takes Gray's cock in his grip. 

"Goddamn, Natsu," Gray groans, inching in closer until his breath is ghosting heatedly over Natsu's flushed features. Gray pushes forward with his hips until they're lined up, and Natsu gets the message, removing his hand. 

Then their cocks are sliding against each other and Natsu finds himself whimpering like a damn girl and the worst part is that he doesn't even care. 

"Fuck," he breathes, cock pulsing as it grinds against Gray's. "Shit."

It feels so damn good as Gray presses in harder that he's likely forgetting how to breathe, even as he sucks in air wildly, completely broken from the ticking of the clock in the room, the air filled only with breathy curses and panting. The feeling is so foreign and familiar all at the same time, resonating somewhere deep inside that Natsu didn't even know existed. 

Shit, those thoughts are too damn deep for this shit, for right now, he can't focus on that. 

Gray wraps them both in his palm, and Natsu's breathing is getting so erratic that it sounds like he's sobbing, and maybe he is, his quick breaths imitating the shallow thrusts he's making into Gray's hand, precome leaking down his cock, slicking the way. Everything is pulsing and roaringly loud and as quiet as they were before this all started, except for the string of curses leaving Gray's beautiful mouth, a mix of praise and hoarse pleas and growled out remarks as Natsu digs his nails into Gray's ass, holding on for dear life. 

It's all too much, way too much, and every muscle in his body in tensing and un-tensing, over and over, winding tighter and tighter until oh fuck oh fuck

"I'm gonna... Shit, gonna.."  
And then he's coming with the most unashamed goddamned whimper of Gray's name he's ever uttered, spilling himself onto the bed and Gray's hand. He feels his mouth fall open as he loses himself, his eyebrows knit, every part of him tensing and groaning and stretching with the force of it, and when he comes down from his high the overstimulation of Gray's continuing thrusts against Natsu's spent cock into his own hand leave Natsu shaking with adrenaline. 

"Shit... Fuck, Natsu..."

Gray comes between them as well, his whole body tensing, face screwed up in pleasure that sends a revived flicker of arousal through the dragon slayer. He spends a few moments trembling, watching Gray recover from his orgasm. There's an odd beauty in it, the ragged breathing, the exhausted features. Maybe he should hate himself for thinking that. But he just can't, not when Gray is panting his name in the fallout and pulling Natsu in closer. 

Their lips touch and Natsu feels like he is waking for the first time since this night started, Gray's tongue slipping into his mouth in a way that makes him want to squirm. It's so hot and dirty and yet seems so goddamn innocent compared to what they were just doing. The slide of their tongues drifting over each other's lazily sends Natsu into a haze, lapping at Gray's mouth until he can't breathe. It's all over too quickly, and as they break apart, heated breaths mixing in the darkness, Natsu is inexplicably overcome with embarrassment that seems truly ironic compared to his actions moments before. He rolls over, Gray's hot breath ghosting over his neck, and then drowsiness is licking at the corners of his vision, and the darkness of that room fades away into nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's play a game called how many different ways can I write a goddamn orgasm I mean I've done it like 50 damn times so
> 
> So, this sex is less self-harmy, in my opinion, although consent is obviously at least a little weird here. But it's better than both of their past experiences, I think (you know my opinions on Gray's sexual past if you read my fic "He Was Not the Hurricane" and how not totally A+ safe sane or consensual that was). At least, it gets better. Eventually.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We back! I'd already written everything up to this point, so the updates might very well slow down after this, as I have a few things I'm working on right now, but I'm gonna try and update this one often; it's pretty easy writing, I've found.

In the morning they are awoken by Erza banging on the door and yelling at them to get up as they've got to get moving. Gray yells back at her to go away, as she likely does when the assault on their door stops. 

"Fuck," Gray whispers. He looks over at Natsu, who props himself up on his elbows, hair mussed up, smelling strongly of sex, come crusting on his stomach. 

"Fuck," he repeats as Natsu sits up, dragging the blanket to cover his shame as he lifts himself from the bed. 

"Oi!" Gray yells, left exposed and the entirely wrong kind of "cold." Natsu simply throws him a glare, walking around to the wall farthest from the bed. He peers up at the clock on the wall, and Gray is confused for a moment until he sees that the hands are stuck, the long spindle ticking on the same second over and over again. 

"Must have stopped at some point during the night," he comments, but Natsu just throws him another glare. 

"Idiot," he sneers, before dragging his blanket with him into the bathroom and shutting the door. 

Okay. Okay. He's okay, or at least he tries to convince himself of this as he splashes cold water on his face, breath puffing as he hyperventilates out of anxiety. He's fine, right? He's going to be fine. It's all going to be fine. 

He turns off the tap and grabs a nearby towel, drying his face with it. Unfortunately, he's so stressed out that any excess moisture begins to steam off of his skin and he curses. That's certainly not good. 

Why is he so freaked out? He's not even sure it really happened. He's had plenty of very realistic dreams before, and he's still young, it's completely possible he just had a wet dream and came in his sleep. Yeah. A dream. It was probably just a dream. 

Then there's a knock on the door. The fucker. 

"Natsu!" comes Gray's goddamn voice. "Is everything okay?"

Natsu resists the urge to roll his eyes, hoping if he doesn't answer, Gray will just go away. Apparently not. 

"Natsu, come on! Is this about last night?" 

Okay, so, unless Gray is talking about when Natsu tripped over himself and hit his head on the wall before they went to bed, it wasn't a dream. Definitely not a dream. 

"We can talk about this!"

As if there's anything to really talk about. Gray probably thought Natsu was just horny or needy or some shit, and the thought that what happened was out of Gray's pity makes Natsu want to puke out of self hatred. And how is he supposed to explain the truth? 

An urge to have sex with another person that isn't about having sex at all. How exactly is one supposed to explain that? Because it's not horniness, and Natsu knows horniness. It's never about getting off, or gaining pleasure, or even the act itself, at least in a traditional sense. It's not some throbbing need for release or burning desire. It's just this pit inside of him, empty, its unashamed existence announcing itself silently throughout his mind. 

It makes him act in ways he doesn't like, ways that get him what he wants in the way he needs it but are only partly for show. Ways that he knows really are a part of him, a part of him he almost enjoys and hates altogether. 

Part of him wishes Gray had never responded, had just rolled his eyes at Natsu's fragile state and gone back to sleep. And the other part... Well, he's got other things to worry about. 

"Natsu, please."

Again, Natsu doesn't respond, just breathes, leaning against the bathroom counter. He waits for a moment, waiting to see if Gray will try to talk to him again. When a minute passes without him doing so, Natsu figures he should actually get in the shower if he doesn't want Erza to kick his ass, or worse, figure out something is bothering him. 

Water turned up hot as it can possibly go. Check. Shower. Check. Soap to wash off evidence of nights activities? Check. Towel big enough to actually cover his body present in the bathroom? Oh. 

So the motel just happens to stock ten washcloths in the bathroom but no body sized towels? Ok. He can handle this. Dripping wet, Natsu peaks his head out from behind the bathroom door to see Gray sitting on the bed. It was probably too much for Natsu to hope that he would have put his clothes back on, really. 

"Gray?" He prompts, and the ice Mage looks up, his arms crossed. 

"Hm?" 

"Can you hand me my clothes?" Natsu asks, sighing a little. But only a little.

Gray sends him a questioning look.  
"Not like it's anything I haven't seen before, Natsu. For, like, years."

"Shut up," Natsu says, frowning. "I'm not some exhibitionist like you. Just hand me my clothes."

Gray rolls his eyes but complies, picking up the various articles of clothing and handing them to Natsu through the tiniest crack in the door Natsu could make. 

Natsu glares at him as Gray hovers in front of his face, the Ice Mage throwing him an "are you happy now?" Look. 

"What?" Gray snaps, clearly annoyed. "What is it now?"

"Put some goddamn clothes on," Natsu grumbles, slamming the door. 

It's some time later, how much so Natsu isn't sure as the clock has stopped working. Gray emerges from the bathroom after a shower and is finally, thank god, wearing an article of clothing, and even one that covers his junk. Praise the gods. 

It's hard for Natsu not to instantly feel defensive as Gray walks over to him, asking, "has Erza come back yet?"

"Luckily, no," Natsu says. 

"Ah- good." Gray nods, looking rather awkward. 

A second passes with Natsu looking at Gray and Gray looking at something that must be quite interesting above Natsu's head, before Natsu sighs and asks, "Is something wrong?"

Gray pauses, apparently caught off guard. "What? Oh, I just thought you didn't want to talk, and you know how stubborn you are, and I didn't want to risk a fight because damaging the motel would probably come out of our reward and that would just make both of us more miserable and--"

"Gray," Natsu interrupts. 

Gray ceases his chatter, biting his lip expectantly. 

"Let's just go."

The girls are waiting downstairs for them in the lobby, if you could call it that, but Erza barely even tries to flay Natsu and Gray alive, almost making it seem like she might be in a good mood. Doesn't matter, even if Natsu's head does hurt a little, because they'll be back home soon, and as Gray puts it, "don't complain, you don't even use your brain that much anyways."

Luckily, very luckily, they're close enough that they can walk back to Fairy Tail, and as Happy chimes happily over Natsu's shoulder, he finds his spirits lightening a little. 

Things are okay. They're not so bad. It's not like it's the first time he's messed around with Gray. First time he's acted all weird and submissive while doing it, maybe, but he can get past that. They were both young teens once, and while Natsu isn't sure if the initial circle jerking at thirteen really counts as messing around, there's been plenty of other times as well. Most of which had to do with some sort of competition, as it is them, after all. Competitions that didn't actually prove much, maybe just kept the boys from getting bored, (Gray had better endurance on average, Natsu picked better porn, Gray was longer but Natsu was thicker, etc) but still. Nothing much had really happened for a while now, probably since they had been gradually calming down from all the hormones. Last night had been the first time in a long time. 

And, Natsu realizes, last night had been the first time they ever kissed. Wow, okay. That might change things just a little. But only a little. Recovering from this was possible. They would just never talk about it, in the same way they had never talked about any of their other activities when they were younger. Yeah. Natsu would just ignore it. It was a perfect plan, and totally would have worked as it usually did for Natsu, but apparently Gray wasn't quite as eager to forget the previous night's escapades.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsu and I are both reallllly good at avoidance like A+ 
> 
> But my boy Gray is stubborn too so we gon be fine


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back already! I really want to keep updating this, so. The inspiration doesn't really stop bc my recovery never stops. Boys being dorks below.

Gray corners him in the bathroom of the Guild when they get back. Natsu turns to see the Ice Mage and gets the "look, I just want to talk," statement, and a part of him panics. Communication is a feat of the stars for him, but he does know one way to communicate, so he gives Gray a funny look, and kisses him. 

That wasn't expected, apparently, because Gray goes slack-jawed against him. Natsu puts his tongue in Gray's mouth at the opportunity. But, surprisingly, Gray doesn't seem to be opposed to it, and presses his mouth firmly against Natsu's, kissing back fervently. Natsu gets knocked back into the wall, and Gray pulls away quickly at the sound of Natsu's head hitting the tiles. 

"Fuck, sorry," he spits, and Natsu laughs. 

"Don't know why you're apologizing," he says. He should be the one apologizing, he thinks. Gray looks up at him, eyes a bit unfocused. 

"Why?" Gray asks, and Natsu swallows, because questions are dangerous, questions are a bad territory. 

"Why what?"

Gray blinks. "Well, first off, the kiss. Second, last night; or, I guess, not last night, but why you don't want to talk about it."

Natsu opens his mouth; closes it. "Well, an easy way to shut you up," he says quietly, trying to throw a grin in there, but he misses it by about a mile. 

"And last night?" Gray asks. He folds his arms, looking Natsu in the eye. "Look, I get it if you want it to be a one-time thing, that's fine, I just don't get why you're so freaked out."

Natsu clears his throat roughly. "That's not-- No, look, it's complicated."

Gray simply looks at him, confused and oddly patient. 

"I; I don't know, I get weird sometimes," Natsu admits, trying to stop his voice from going gravelly. "I want to do stuff with people, just because. Like, I won't even be horny. It just; I like being good to people like that." He coughs. 

"You just seemed--" Gray pauses, as if searching for the right words, looking ardently at the tile below them. "Scared. I don't know."

"I--" his voice goes too uneven, he stops. "I don't know, okay? Sometimes it just makes me feel better, like I have to do stuff with people to feel better, or, I just want to or need to; like, I just need to be used and shit." He pauses, avoiding Gray's gaze. "Fuck, that's stupid."

"No, it's;" Gray chokes back on his words. "Listen, I'm not assuming anything, okay, but; if you do this often, do you sometimes do it, and; I don't know, put yourself in a situation where you could get hurt... Because of it?"

Natsu nods slightly, clearing his throat again, his Adam's apple feeling heavy with some forced-back emotion. 

"Well," Gray says, his hands moving softly away from his chest. "I was thinking; maybe, and, you can just say no, but if you're putting yourself in danger, no matter how stupid I think you are sometimes--" he breathes deep, sucking in air. "You can come to me, when you need it, okay? So I know I won't hurt you, and you'll be okay, and I won't judge you or anything."

Natsu's silent, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. 

"Sorry," Gray croaks. "I know it's stupid--"

"No," Natsu says, surprised at how level his voice is. "No, it's; I'd do that. I'd like to do that." He looks up to see Gray staring at him intently, blinking in surprise. 

"Oh. That's good." Gray smiles softly, as if hoping his calmness will rub off on Natsu, and the kindness, the gesture, makes Natsu panic, because... Ew. Gray cares. 

He kisses him again. Hard. 

Gray pushes him away abruptly, but he's smiling slightly. "Hey, hey. I didn't say right now." He looks like he's trying not to grin. "But, you know. Just let me know when you do really need it." 

"Need is a strong word, especially in association with you of all people," Natsu quips, and Gray rolls his eyes, and that's nice, that's good. "But okay. Don't act like some big Saint, like you're sacrificing something whenever I wanna suck your dick."

Gray goes red at that, and makes a sound somewhere between an awkward cough and a laugh. "Okay, warn a guy when you're gonna say shit like that."

Natsu smirks, feeling a little thrilled, and says, "Mmm... Never." He grins, and bumps his arm into Gray's as he passes, exiting the restroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Gray has a good clue of what's going on here, but he doesn't want to scare Natsu away or make him feel threatened. 
> 
> Natsu, meanwhile, has convinced himself, for his own benefit, that Gray has no idea. Like, he probably knows Gray might think something's up, but he's just gonna pretend he's on top of everything and Gray knows nothing bc logic and weird survivor stuff like I've been there too


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> KAY I didn't intend for there to be more smut yet but this kinda just happened 
> 
> Soooo yeah
> 
> Some of Gray's POV this time, so the pacing is a little different 
> 
> Rim jobs and sex in public places ahead

In all honesty, Natsu avoids Gray for a while after their agreement. Maybe it's just because of the shock that they actually agreed on something in the first place. It doesn't really matter, because they run into each other again. In the bathroom. 

It's possible that Natsu actually followed Gray in there, his intentions less than pure, but there's no need to dwell on that. Even if it totally wasn't for the purpose they had initially based their agreement on. Yeah, so maybe Natsu was just horny. Or maybe Natsu just kept smelling Gray and he smelled awfully similar to that night and it just got a little difficult to focus. Yeah. Really, he was doing them both a favor. For the sake of efficiency, of course. 

They get going quickly, as they seem to do, whether they're fighting or touching each other; as if Natsu is ever patient, and he seems to have a way of making Gray impatient too. Natsu is pushing his hand under Gray's shorts in no time, and then there's that stuttering gasp that gives him a thrill. Gray quickly tries to return the favor, until Natsu stops his hand, shaking his head. Gray is clearly confused for a moment, that is, until Natsu gets down on his knees. Okay. 

The Mage pulls down Gray's shorts quickly, his eagerness apparent as Gray's cock bobs out into the air, pink and heavy. Natsu gives this little grin and then oh, fuck. 

He takes the head into his mouth and sucks, his cheeks hollowing as his tongue massages, moving to tease the tip and the crease at the corona.  
Bobbing his head, he takes even more of Gray in, and the ice Mage is starting to seriously doubt that he's going to be able to keep his hips still for all of this as he curses. 

But then Natsu is pulling off, licking a stripe down his sack, down, down, until... Oh. So he wasn't expecting that. 

"Shit-- wait," Gray gets out before Natsu's tongue is teasing at his hole, because holy shit. The wet muscle circles carefully around before lapping softly at his entrance, and Gray lets out an involuntary groan. He didn't know that could be so goddamn sensitive. Then it's invading him, pushing in ever so slightly, more and more, until he's got a fiery tongue inside him and his legs are shaking and he's not sure how in the hell this even happened but Natsu's definitely moving to get something out of his pocket. He's got a couple hands free, even with his tongue in Gray's ass, and Gray hears the ripping of a package, presumably one containing lube if judging from the slick finger that prods at him next to Natsu's tongue moments later. 

He's a little put off by the intrusion because, ah, it stings just a little and it's been quite a long time since he's done this. He adjusts quickly, however, with Natsu still lapping at him like that, and then a second finger is being added. That burns a little more, but then Natsu starts moving his fingers, trying to stretch Gray out, get him used to the sensation, and just the slide of him inside gives Gray this little thrill that sends him deeper into arousal. Natsu curls his fingers, tongue still circling and stroking, and Gray is honestly surprised at his ability to multitask. Really. 

Then Natsu's finger's turn just right and oh, oh, fucking hell. Gray nearly jumps out of his skin at the sensitivity, and Natsu apparently notices Gray's reaction, because then he's stroking over the same spot over and over again, his tongue still twisting inside him, and it's not long before Gray is a whimpering (yes, damnit, whimpering, rim jobs do things to a man), shaking mess of Ice Mage. 

Natsu keeps working him open, leaving Gray shuddering with every stroke of his fingers and the ice Mage can't even feel ashamed because this is just what happens when somebody is fingering you and sucking on your asshole, for fuck's sake. 

And that's how Gray gets fucked on the bathroom wall of the Guild. 

When Natsu comes, it's this stuttering, imploding thing, and he slinks like liquid into a warm puddle of himself, and Gray has to catch himself awkwardly on his feet. 

"And you're always calling me the exhibitionist," Gray says, mind still reeling, but he can keep that private. 

Natsu grins, sharp canines showing, but his current state is too vulnerable for it to be a smirk. It's more of a simple smile, and Gray is surprised to find he really, really likes that. 

"I know I said whenever you need it, but come over to my house some time instead, maybe," Gray says, and pretends he doesn't notice that Natsu is shaking as the man grins and kisses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if the pace matches the rest of this story, but I blame Gray
> 
> Pretty sure while I was writing this I just thought "ugh you dumb gay" and I'm not sure if that was referring to Gray or myself but
> 
> Comment please! Tell me how you think it's going, what you want to see happen, any questions. I'm open! Having a weird amount of fun with this.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsu gets triggered and has a panic attack in this chapter (in the middle of sex). So, you know, if that bothers you, avoid.

Over the weeks, Natsu warms up; he actually does visit Gray when he needs it. It's as if they go back to the beginning; hand jobs and grunting against each other until Natsu's back down on his knees, all the way until Gray slides into him and bottoms out with a groan and a sigh that twists up Natsu's insides. 

Natsu learns so many things; the way Gray breathes and sounds when he's about to come, the exact amount of tongue he likes when Natsu's sucking him off, the way he even likes a bit of teeth. The strung-out tightening of his muscles and strangled pleas of 'yes', the keening, tightening of his throat, the heat of him, slicked and pulsing, inside and out, and Natsu learns how to quietly, secretly worship his body like a holy place, in reverence, but only in a way that Gray will never figure out his intentions. 

Gray is a wind and storm but he's something so calm, too, in its existence. 

One afternoon, when Gray is fucking him hard into the headboard in Gray's apartment, his limbs spread over Natsu as the latter wraps himself around his partner like strangling mistletoe; his throat is lit up purple and red, and the bed knocks into the wall, over and over; it happens. 

He's been doing so well, been in the moment, never strayed, been right here; but now...

"You feel so fucking good," Gray says, and his voice breaks, stretching thin in pleasure, and it happens. 

Natsu blinks, hand padding dumbly at Gray's shoulder. He tries to mumble, thinking he can't go nonverbal, not right now, but, oh, fuck... In. In. Inside him. His mind breaks in half, it feels like, and he pushes harder until Gray is starting to still, confused, but it's too late, because then Natsu is kicking him hard in the gut. He squirms, elbows sharp, voice dying in his throat, and somebody's saying his name, and he wants to tell them to shut the fuck up, but he can't, he can't... 

He can feel his skin heating up, going hot like fire, and he panics further, realizing his mouth is open. Is he screaming? He can't hear. The world blurs in his eyes and ears until he feels two strong hands on his shoulders. He flinches, but they press down harder, and he blinks desperately, and realizes Gray is yelling his name. 

"Natsu, Natsu," he quiets, bending down as he realizes Natsu has stopped flailing. He looks Natsu in the eyes, soft and reassuring, and Natsu feels sick to his stomach. 

"It's just me," he says. "Are you okay?" 

Natsu nods lamely, feeling cold, wanting to bite and throw words back at Gray, but there's nothing in his throat. 

"I'm sorry," Gray whispers. "What did I do?"

Natsu shakes his head. "I don't want to. No. 'Good.'"

"Natsu, fuck, tell me what day it is," Gray whispers, shaking in front of him. 

"Tuesday," Natsu replies instantly. He looks up. "I'm sorry. Want to be alone."

"Natsu, are you--"

"Yes," Natsu bites. "Go. Need to be alone." He blinks on the bed, and Gray watches him quietly as he leaves, and Natsu rolls over, exhausted, and goes to sleep. 

He doesn't remember until later, when he wakes and wanders into the kitchen, that it's Gray's apartment; the man is asleep on the couch. He curls up next to him; it seems cuddling has actually become a thing between them. Not that they'll ever talk about it; especially not around others. They still fight and bicker and push each other. 

They don't talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gray is the sweetest though
> 
> This is legit what flashbacks/trauma-related panic attacks feel like, for me at least.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are lucky, four chapter in one day. 
> 
> Discussion of abuse in this chapter (childhood sexual abuse), somewhat explicit, although not really. Natsu hints at what happened. Gray doesn't press.

"How come you never let me go down on you?"

They're laid up in bed, Natsu's sweat cooling on his back, and he looks up at the question, blinking. "What?"

"You never want me to go down on you," Gray says softly. "I was just wondering why. I wanna make you feel good too."

"You do make me feel good," Natsu says, looking away.

"Natsu," and it's a chastisement, he knows it. "I'm just curious, alright?"

Natsu nods dismissively, running a hand through his hair. "Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I get it."

"So, why...?"

"It's not your business," Natsu snaps, and instantly regrets it. "I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry." He tries to climb out of bed, but Gray stops him.

"Natsu," he says seriously. "Did something happen? When you were a kid?"

Natsu looks down, swallowing. He wishes Happy were here. "It's that obvious that I'm fucked up?"

Gray blinks rapidly, until concern crosses his features. "What? Natsu, no." He pulls the man in a little closer, and Natsu wonders why he doesn't flinch. "Did he-- is that why--?"

"No," Natsu croaks, his whole body repelling the question and the topic and the very mention of _him_. It's not about _him_. It's Natsu. He's the fucked up one. "But he made me do it to him. So, I don't know, it's like if somebody does it to me..."

He pauses, confused at how the words are even coming out of his mouth. He just should have left it. Fuck, he just should have left it alone. "If I'm a person, if I deserve that, then that means he hurt me," and he can feel the betrayal of tears welling in his eyes, and he forces them down. What he said makes no fucking sense, and he knows it, but Gray looks at him anyways, looks at him like he's not inherently fucked up and everyone can fucking see it, and he breathes shaky, like the spinning of a top.

"Okay," Gray says. "We don't ever have to do anything you don't want to."

Natsu blinks, and suddenly feels rage pour through him, hot and overwhelming. Why is he even angry? But he is, and he breathes it out into the air, his breath hot. "Okay."

And Gray shuts up and holds him until Natsu untangles himself to go bathe, but...

This conversation isn't over, is it? Because these conversations never really end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My babiessss
> 
> Gray's response was perfect but Natsu isn't mad at him, he's just frustrated with himself and the situation. 
> 
> Basically, to Natsu, having somebody go down on him means he deserves pleasure, which means he's a good person, and a person to begin with; and if he deserves good things, then what his abuser did to him hurts that much more, because he knows that he deserves better. He can't blame it on himself if he didn't deserve it. 
> 
> Things will take time, but they'll get better.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsu pushes himself a bit, but comes back, and Gray is good at things 
> 
> More smut, aaaye, nice

Natsu doesn't go back for weeks after that, lets everything build and build until he's scratching anxiously at his skin and shaking his legs. He even starts thinking about going down on Gray in front of the whole Guild, (except for Wendy), and what an image that is. He stares at him from across the Guild hall, and when Gray asks if he's planning to come over that night, he says no. 

He's been saying "no" for three weeks. It feels exhilarating. 

But still, the urge grows, empty and deep, pulsing in his chest, and sometimes he feels like pulling out his damn hair. 

He waits outside Gray's apartment the next day, waiting for him to get home, and when he does, Natsu kisses him like his mouth is bitter and he needs Gray to fix it, like he needs the bad taste out of his mouth, and he wants to consume, to take in, until it goes away. 

Gray guides him inside, leaves him panting against the door, worked up and erratic, and pulls him onto the couch. 

"Natsu," he says, and Natsu blinks, idly wondering why Gray is still wearing clothes. Of all times...

"What?" he asks, impatient, eyebrows knitting. 

"I need to make sure you're okay," Gray says, like it should be obvious, and Natsu tilts his head. 

"I am."

Gray sighs, tugs at Natsu's hands, huffing. "No, I mean. Really okay, with this. That you'll be okay, right now, and let me know when you aren't."

"I don't think I'd be fucking you if I wasn't okay with it," Natsu says, trying to laugh it off, but Gray looks at him sternly. 

"I just;" Gray pauses, biting his lip. "Why don't we give you a safeword, okay? That way you can let me know when you're not alright?"

Natsu raises an eyebrow. "Gray, it's not a big deal--"

"Natsu," Gray cuts in. "Really, it is. It's important."

Natsu blinks. He suddenly finds himself afraid Gray is mad at him. Why the fuck would he care about that?

"Okay." His voice shakes slightly, but he breathes and it's gone. "Okay. Igneel. That'll be the word."

Gray nods, looking at him intensely, and Natsu feels like squirming under his gaze. 

"Fuck off," he says, but it's followed up by a laugh, and Gray smiles. 

"I have an idea," he says, eyes lit up. 

Natsu ends up riding Gray hard against the bed, Gray's hands tied to the posts. He likes the look of the Mage below him, being able to take, and take. It makes him feel infinite, even after, when he fucks Gray into the mattress, insatiable, and then Gray drags him out to the kitchen and bends him over the table. 

He's giddy with it, even as they relax on the couch, come still covering Gray's stomach, and he thinks it's the best he's felt in a while. 

"You sure this isn't some weird Dragonslayer heat sort of thing?" Gray asks, mirth on his lips, and Natsu rolls his eyes. 

"If I was in heat, or what the fuck ever it is, you'd probably still be tied to the bed right now," Natsu quips, grinning, and takes Gray's earlobe between his teeth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want the babes to be happy tbh


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Discussion of abuse and specifically the abuser in this chapter. Also, fluff.

Natsu hums as he melts into the warmth of the bath and Gray's back, one of the Ice Mage's hands resting lightly on his upper thigh, the other wrapped around his ribs. 

"It's nice to get more than an afternoon off, for once," Gray says, and Natsu has to agree. It's nice to let all the tired, sore muscles melt away in hot baths and just breathe, and while Natsu would usually be bored, he finds himself rather preoccupied with Gray around. Gray's thighs part around him, and he sinks lower, struck by a feeling he can't quite name. 

"Natsu?" Gray asks. 

"Hmm?"

"Can I ask you something?" he says, and the previous feeling dissipates almost instantly. Safe, Natsu realizes. The feeling was 'safe.'

"Yeah."

Gray breathes, and Natsu feels the swell of his chest against his back.  
"Who was he?"

Natsu swallows, thick in his throat, and tries to keep breathing. "It's not about him."

"I know," Gray says softly. He knows. He knows it's about Natsu, he knows it doesn't really matter who hurt him. But curiosity is a relentless thing. 

Natsu's silent for a moment, trying to collect himself. "He was just, I don't know, some guy, not in the Guild, but he used to hang out with some of the members, you know, outside, around town." He clears his throat, feeling like he's sinking again, although this time the water stays level. "I don't even really remember how we got left alone together. Guess it doesn't really matter. I don't think he was ever really ever around any of the other kids, but I liked to follow the adults around sometimes, 'cause I didn't really know anybody." 

He breathes loud, sighing out air and imagining it's the tension in his body, and Gray holds him tighter. 

"I think I needed someone to look up to after Igneel, so--" He chokes back on his words, keeping back feeling. "He stopped hanging around about the time I turned nine. I don't know." He does sink lower then, until the back of his head is on Gray's chest. "I don't know."

Gray's chin comes to rest on his head, and Natsu closes his eyes, imagining his body melting right into the water.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So like Natsu, I really hate it when people ask about my abuser; because it's just not about him. I don't want him to affect my life any more than he already has. To me, and this is a personal opinion, a survivor's healing shouldn't be about anybody but themselves.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Natsu has a very triggering nightmare. Vomit mention.

Gray wakes up to the sound of Natsu screaming. It's not an unusual occurrence, but it hasn't happened in a while, and as Gray blinks the sleep away he wonders what it is this time. The other boy thrashes in the bed, voice hoarse and loud. He claws at his neck like someone is trying to choke him. 

Gray considers waking him up for a moment, before Natsu's body stills, painted by moonlight. The Dragonslayer pants loudly, the sound taking up the room, claiming it in the absence of the screaming that had been present earlier. Sitting up in bed, Gray watches quietly as Natsu opens his eyes like a child, blind to the world and stuck back in a dream. The boy sits up, seemingly unaware of Gray's presence. His breathing reverberates about the room, echoing like the waves of panic rolling off him into the air, trembling like his heartbeat. 

"Natsu?" Gray asks, and softly, not wanting to force him back into reality too quickly, but before he gets a response the boy is rushing up out of bed and to the bathroom. 

The sickening sound of vomiting rings in Gray's ears, and he knows it must be odd that he's used to this by now. The toilet flushes and in a moment Natsu is moving back into the room. He turns on the light, glancing at Gray, and then crawls back into bed, pale and shaking. 

The Ice Mage keeps his distance, unsure of Natsu's mental state, praying that the boy at least doesn't go catatonic. Natsu pulls his knees to his chest and looks up at Gray, who sits beside him quietly. 

"A bad one?" Gray asks, something blooming in his chest in an ache. 

Natsu nods, sighing, looking down at his feet. 

"Anything I can do?" it's a logical question, but it depends on Natsu actually being able to answer him. 

"No touch," Natsu says, rubbing his eyes tiredly. At least he can speak. 

Gray nods, acclimating. 

"Hungry?"

Natsu shakes his head again. 

"Want me to get Happy?" 

Natsu sighs. "Maybe in a little bit."

"Want to talk?"

"Not about the dream."

"Ok," Gray says. "Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"I don't know," Natsu says. "Just not that."

"We could talk about Lucy's birthday," Gray smiles. "You wanted to throw her a party, right?"

"Yeah." 

"Do you still want to do that?"

"Yeah, I do."

"A surprise party?"

"That'd be fun."

They talk for a bit, Natsu giving his short answers while Gray prompts him. The Ice Mage knows he's still somewhat back in his dream, but he can tell he's coming out of it. 

"Gray?" Natsu asks, after the other Mage has asserted whether or not Levy really had Gajeel get nipple piercings or not. 

"Yeah?"

"Will you take a bath with me?"

"Of course," Gray says, smiling softly. "If you think you're really okay with being touched right now."

"I am."

"If you feel uncomfortable just say so."

"Okay."

"Okay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Night terrors suck man but at least there are cute Ice Mages to help you out


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys :) can't believe it's chapter 12 already? But you've probably notice I tend to write short chapters bc of my weird prose/vignette style, so I guess it makes sense. Just kind of rambling in this one.

They still fight when they're in the Guild, still bicker, and maybe it should be odd, but it really isn't. Everything's the same, really; they're on slightly better terms, perhaps, but if their Guildmates notice anything, they don't say it.

Things go on as usual; jobs, fights, bad guys; and just hanging out in the Guild.

They've started arguing about something, Gray can't remember what, it doesn't really matter-- and Natsu says something like, "Well you certainly seemed to think I had some good ideas last night."

He's smirking, the fucker, and Gray wants to laugh and roll his eyes and punch him all at the same time. Gray misses him smirking like an arrogant idiot, sometimes. He kind of likes to see it, now that he's seen the crumbling things underneath.

Lucy looks at them with an eyebrow raised, then looks over at Happy, who's laughing. Happy, of course, knows; it would be rather impossible for him not to, with how close he is to Natsu. The Dragon Slayer knew Happy wasn't exactly secretive, so he had bribed his silence with a month's supply of fish.

Natsu's still smirking, like he's said something utterly witty, and Lucy simply looks confused.

Well, if he wants to play that way...

"And I don't remember you being quite this smug last night, either, but here we are," Gray comments, eyes flicking up as he tries to look nonchalant. "Just as talkative, though, but I believe the subject of conversation was quite different, right?"

Natsu gives him a look, glaring, like he's trying to be angry but it's not working, and Gray feels triumphant. He wants to laugh.

Lucy blinks, coughs, and stands, saying something along the lines of, "I'm going to go hang out with Wendy, since everyone else in this Guild is apparently sex-crazed."

Gray does laugh at that, full and real, and he sees Natsu laughing along with him, soft like the foamy tops of beers.

Later, when they're walking over to Gray's place, Natsu skips ahead of him, kicking up leaves like the eternal kid he is. Happy's staying the night with Wendy and Carla, no doubt very happy about this fact, and Natsu runs merrily down the street, laughing, Gray rolling his eyes in his wake.

Natsu stops by a nearby tree, grinning. "C'mon, slowpoke, hurry up so I can get back at you for that shit in the Guild when we get home."

When _we_ get _home_.

Gray huffs, catching up to him. "I didn't start it, flame brain," he says.

Natsu grins devilishly and laughs, "Whatever," and starts walking again, now by Gray's side.

They walk in (blessed) silence for a moment, taking in the fall colors and changing leaves, colors lighting up the sky and surroundings. It's warm, reds and oranges and yellows and browns, but it's melancholy too, because you know soon it'll be gone, and it'll be cold and winter will strip away life until the spring, when dandelions will begin to push up underneath earth and snow. They walk like that, until Natsu smiles slightly.

"It's weird," he says, voice soft like the rattling of the dying leaves.

"What is?" Gray asks, half-curious, looking quietly down the partially-deserted street.

"I don't feel numb," Natsu answers, like it doesn't mean anything, like it's a simple fact, something people say all the time. Another moment of quiet, and Gray doesn't know what to say. Natsu clears his throat, and then again, and says, "Well.." And then--

"Race you!" he yells down the street, echoing off brick and merchant stands and plastered, held-up buildings, and takes off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, guys, recovery is so weird and hard. Like, I've had a good couple days, but I question myself if I have or not. Am I really sure? I don't know. I think I push myself too much sometimes, to be functional. And my emotional sensitivity is through the roof, so I've been feeling pulled in a lot of directions. But this fic just saves me sometimes. It gives me a lot of hope.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while, I've been having a pretty not-chill time. So here's some angst.

Natsu isn't a crier.

In fact, he's always been somewhat incapable of crying in front of other people; he can barely even cry when he's by himself. He can squeeze out a few tears, but then the wave of emotion is swallowed by numbness, and he stops. There stops being a reason to cry.

So he doesn't cry; not when he feels awful, not when he dreams, not when he wishes he could scratch out his infected brain with his nails and he wants to fucking scream.

There are tears, sometimes, pricking his eyes, but he never sobs, never lets it ring through his chest like a hollow, overwhelming sound of mourning.

And then there's Igneel.

He sheds tears like the rivers that make him nauseous, exhausts himself of feeling, like Igneel has been the force inside of him holding it all in, constructing a carefully drawn spring, and when he leaves Natsu thinks he should feel empty, but empty isn't even the right word.

And he realizes that he isn't mourning just for Igneel, but himself. He shakes in grief and rage at the death of himself, the death of a boy who got to be eight years old for 400 years, and yet nobody could save his fucking childhood. He mourns over how fragile he is, he mourns the fact that childhood is never safe no matter how long it lasts. And most of all he swims in guilt at the rage; the overwhelming rage, of _why the fuck did you go away, why the fuck did you let that_ _happen_ , _why_ _the_ _fuck didn't_ _I_ _mean_ _anything_ _more_ _and_ \--

The world cools. The moment ends. He still burns inside, but the space around him is just rubble, and death, and it's over. And he mourns for the child he couldn't save, and the master who wouldn't let him save him either.

What a curious desecration of identity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haahhahahah  
> Anyways yeah  
> I basically am at that point of mourning the kid I never got to be and it makes me pretty angry sometimes


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidentally triggered myself while watching a movie lmao
> 
> Throwback Thursday to last Saturday at prom when I had a flashback in the bathroom like a real pro. 
> 
> Just boys being silly in this.

"I don't know why you keep doing me if you think I'm so annoying," Natsu says, walking into the kitchen and setting the groceries down on the table. "It must be quite a task for you."

Gray smiles slightly, at Natsu's feigned animosity; he just can't keep it up sometimes. Well, not with this, at least. "You're just mad that I asked you to help carry the food, which is unfair, because you do eat it, and all," he retorts, trying to hide that smile, and Natsu glares. 

"Why do you like fucking me, anyway?" he asks, crossing his arms like a child. "I mean, besides the mind-blowing orgasms, because skills."

Gray rolls his eyes, the pattern of conversation and sarcasm entirely familiar. "It also helps that you actually shut up when you come."

"I resent that," Natsu says. "I talk just the right amount, thanks."

Gray hums, that grin threatening to break out again, and he walks toward the other man, who straightens up as he does so. 

"What?" Natsu asks, looking both irritable and curious. 

"Nothing, it's just;" words press up on Gray's tongue, and he has to smile with them to make them feel okay, to ease the tension in his chest. "I like it when you come. You look good. I like watching you, and all."

"Well, not that I'm not gorgeous, but..." Natsu trails off, still looking at Gray curiously, like he's waiting for more information, like he still needs to fill in the blanks. "I think it's a pretty universal experience. My scrunched up, sweaty face can't be that captivating."

"It's not--" Gray clicks his tongue, moving closer still, like physically occupying the same space will somehow make Natsu understand him better. "It's not about your face, although that looks nice too. You look good, but..."

Natsu raises an eyebrow, although there's no real annoyance there. He simply looks confused as to why they're having this conversation in the first place. 

Gray clears his throat, head bowing down slightly. "I like seeing you feel good, okay? It's nice that you feel good. It makes me... Happy. That you feel good."

Natsu blinks, some of the tension leaving his face, when he asks, "I thought I was annoying." 

Gray laughs, strong, but it's full of anxious energy he won't show. "They're not mutually exclusive, so."

"You like it when I feel good," Natsu repeats, looking at the ground now; like he's trying to understand it; like Gray has accidentally spoken in another language, or his syntax is all off and he put the verb before the subject. He looks up so suddenly that Gray almost steps back in surprise, and says, "What's for dinner?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk man trauma fucks you up obviously, like, I am super confident about my appearance and abilities and shit but as soon as somebody is like "you deserve to be happy" I'm like ahahhhahahah yo ufuckin jokester fuk you and run away before I cry


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry it's been a while; I haven't been super motivated to write this, and I've had exams and such as well, but luckily those are over today. 
> 
> A smutty update for ya'll; I hope there's still some character development in there somewhere, but it's pretty much straight up porn. Idk, I was thinking about how I feel about my own sexuality, so I hope some of those ideas translated into the story (porn).

Natsu sighs out heatedly as he sinks down, down, all the way down, gravity impaling him on Gray's cock. Gray's legs are wide and open, as he holds Natsu up in his lap, which only pushes him deeper, and Natsu breathes shakily against Gray's shoulder, hands shaking with the effort of holding himself still.

"Fuck," he says, laughing quietly, because it feels so goddamn relentless. Perfect torture.

He stirs against Gray's shoulder, remembering his initial intention, and licks his lips. "Fuck me," he says, and it's hoarse, grating.

Gray says nothing, just sucks in a breath that Natsu hears right in his ear, so he repeats himself. "Fuck me."

He hears Gray swallow, thick, mouth dry. "Yeah," the Ice Mage says. "Yeah, yeah, just--" He thrusts up softly, and Natsu bares his hips down, seeking more stimulation; he wants to growl, to take, breath going harsh.

"Come on," he grinds out, but it comes out more like a whine. Gray nods, quick, and grabs at the extra flesh around Natsu's hips. He bucks up again, harder this time, and Natsu's hands scramble for purchase on Gray's back as he bites back curses.

"More," he groans, heat filling up his chest, spreading into his aching arms. "More, c'mon."

Gray obeys, hands going hard around Natsu's hips, and he fucks up again, harder, and harder again, and Natsu doesn't try to stop the noises getting torn out of his throat, nails scraping at the dip between Gray's shoulders. Another thrust, and his head tips back, body going so loose that he almost falls off, until Gray pulls him in, grabbing at his neck, kissing him and sucking on his tongue hungrily.

"Fuck," Natsu repeats, teeth on Gray's lips, and there's another thrust, and another, and Gray pulls him in until they're flush together. He uses the extra leverage to fuck him harder, and Natsu starts to grind his hips down along with it. "That's it," he rasps out, half delirious, and then, over and over, "yeah, fuck me, _c'mon, fuck me--_ "

"Am," Gray forces out, breath sharp in his throat with effort. Natsu's fingernails twist up in Gray's hair, looking for an anchor, and he mouths lazily at Gray's pulse in his neck.

" _Fuck me_ ," he insists, matching Gray's pace with his own cants of his hips. A thousand words lie on his tongue, but he chokes on them, chokes on quieted desires and glittering, pressing thoughts; and all he can say is "fuck me."

"You keep talking, I'm gonna-- oh, _fuck_ \--" Gray tries, but he's tumbling over the edge just like that, too young still to hold himself back, and he goes hurdling, flying fast, over that edge. Natsu's chest races with excitement, power, and he clamps his teeth down lightly over Gray's collar bone, listening to the groans as heat floods up inside him. If Gray was stupid, he'd say sorry for coming just like that, but Gray's not as stupid as Natsu used to think he was.

Instead, he pants harsh in Natsu's ear, hips still bucking gingerly. "Fuck-- got you, got you--" he croaks, and a warm hand starts jacking Natsu off hard, and Natsu feels Gray's knuckles skirt against his stomach. Natsu presses back, body confused and hovering, and then he's coming in thick pulses all over Gray's chest, shaking hard. His whole stomach twists with the force of it, and he kisses Gray sloppily before falling off of him and collapsing on the bed.

It starts deep in his chest; laughter, low chuckles, until he's suppressing a grin, lips quivering, and Gray just throws him a quizzical look. Gray watches him when he sits up, and Natsu traces his gaze, still laughing, and he flops back down into Gray's lap.

All the battles he's fought, all the times he's felt truly powerful, vibrating with energy, almost sick with it; all the times he's been consumed in his own magical energy, boiling over, all the times he's pushed himself to exhaustion, all the times he's gone that close to the edge and still pulled through; every time he's seen an enemy at his feet; and this, getting fucked by just another dumb boy who likes the way Natsu takes cock; that's what makes Natsu feel like a fucking _god_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gray's not just another dumb boy but Natsu doesn't need to think about that lol
> 
> Lap-fucking is so A+ guys like I will admit my kinks
> 
> There'll probably be 3 to 2 more chapters of this, since I've got other stuff I want to work on; but it feels like it'll come to a pretty natural conclusion.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been a while. A little angst in this one.

Gray's looking up at the stars when Natsu collapses by his side. 

"Fun party, huh?" Natsu says, and Gray immediately smells the liquor on his breath. 

"I guess," Gray answers, quiet. The night is strangely still, even with the sounds of celebration coming from a few hundred feet to their left. The Guild had taken a short vacation at the springs here; it also happened to be a time of year in which the locals celebrated rambunctiously. Something about the lunar cycle, Gray thinks. 

Natsu scoots closer to him on the little grassy nook. "You should make love to me on the beach," he says. 

Gray blinks, looks over at the other man, finally. The Dragon Slayer is violently flushed down to his neck, eyes glassy and unfocused. "What?" Gray asks. 

"Well, I'm not gettin' in the--" a hiccup. "Fuckin' water. So the beach, we could do it on the beach." He sways, a small grin on his face, looking even more childish than normal. 

"Natsu," Gray starts. "You're drunk."

Natsu's brow creases, his eyes confused. "Yeah?"

"We can't do it when you're drunk," Gray explains, careful, attempting softness, but Natsu's already attempting to pull himself up. 

"You don't want me," Natsu slurs, hurt coloring his features as he stands, not without difficulty. 

"Natsu--" Gray starts, mind immediately trying to find a way to diffuse the situation. 

"You think I'm dirty," Natsu accuses, hiccuping again, anger jutting in between his brows, and Gray swallows. 

"Natsu, I don't--"

"You don't fucking want me," Natsu croaks, flames sparking between his fingers as his nostrils flare. "You think I'm dirty, just like everybody else, only good for fucking, right?"

Gray forces, swallows back his own emotional response. "Natsu, please just--" 

"No, it's okay," Natsu waves him off as Gray moves to stand, fire still lighting up his finger tips. "I got, I got fucked up, and everyone can see it--"

"Natsu!" Gray says loudly, grabbing onto Natsu's arm to steady the drunk man. He lets go when his fingers start to burn, and Natsu looks at him, eyes brimming with betrayal and hurt, and takes off down the beach. 

Gray doesn't try to follow. He simply watches as flame strikes the sand and glass shoots into the still night air. 

Gray wakes up in their motel room to see Natsu curled up on the floor, eyes blinking coolly as he notices Gray sitting up on the bed. 

"I already puked my guts out this morning," Natsu says, sitting up as well, wincing as he does so. 

Gray nods, uncovers the blanket and waves Natsu over to join him. Reluctantly, he does so, settling by Gray's side with a huff. 

"I'm sorry," Natsu says, and Gray wants to roll his eyes. They should both know there's no need to apologize. 

"Yeah," Gray says. 

"Don't fucking mention that shit I said last night to anyone, okay?" Natsu rasps, bringing a hand to his head and wincing again. 

"'Course," Gray affirms, as Natsu tucks himself in closer to his side. "I can fuck you when you're not miserable anymore, alright?"

Natsu snorts. "Hey. I might be fucking you, you know."

"Okay, Mister I-bottom-seventy-percent-of-the-time," Gray chuckles. Not that he minds either, but Natsu can always stand a taste of reality. 

Natsu makes a noncommittal noise. They're silent for a few moments, Natsu's warm breath puffing against Gray's chest, when Natsu says, "Do you think it ever gets any better?"

Gray shrugs. "Maybe. Maybe easier. I don't know about better."

Natsu hums. "Well, at least I've got some good therapies."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whatever you do, don't imagine a blushing, drunk, sad Natsu asking to be made love to


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter, guys! It's been a long time coming, and I just want to thank everyone who went on this journey with me. Porn ahead. And maybe some feels. Idk.

No, Gray will never really get it. He won't. He'll never totally understand why or how. He'll never totally understand why it's so hard for Natsu to admit it wasn't his fault; why saying the words, "I didn't deserve it," makes the other man want to actually vomit. He can see the anger. He can see the terror. He can even see the catatonic depression that grips onto Natsu tight some days, albeit not very often. He doesn't know what the flashbacks are like exactly, but he can understand how they work; he can try and understand the blank look in Natsu's eyes.

The one thing Natsu can't seem to explain, and Gray has the most trouble wrapping his head around, is the pain. Natsu isn't much of a crier unless something's really fucked up, but the way he cries; large, racking sobs, ringing out of his body like mourning bells, clanging, powerful, overwhelming. There is so much pain in how he shakes, and claws at the bed, and sometimes, even screams. But Gray sees the most pain there when he cries silently, and stars help him, he can't understand the sheer volume, the sheer weight.

It is like Natsu must be stuck in the moment of seeing his younger self _just fucking die_ perpetually, and Gray just can't imagine-- The anger, the sadness, the rage, the fear, how it all gets packed into a neat little package of hurt. Individually, those emotions make sense to him, but to experience them all at the same time... That is grief. And Gray has most certainly known grief, but never like this. Never, ever like this.

In a way, it becomes a game. Instead of telling Natsu he deserves to be happy, Gray lets him pick what they have for dinner. Instead of telling Natsu he is powerful and doesn't have to be scared anymore, Gray high-fives him in the middle of battle. Instead of telling Natsu that children can't be inherently bad, and they can't deserve bad things that happen to them, Gray brings Wendy over, all the time, so Natsu can hang out with her, in what Gray has come to call, internally, Dragon Slayer Bonding Time (and Happy can try and gain Carla's affections, as always).

He lets Natsu be in control when he needs it. And he takes control when Natsu needs it; needs to be able to trust him, to trust him to let Natsu fall apart and be there to pick up the pieces afterwards. And that responsibility falls on Gray like a weight, but it's a weight like warm, heavy blankets, like the weight of sand on toes dug under the surf at the beach.

And this, this is how Gray shows Natsu what he means when he wants to whisper, "It wasn't your fault."

Natsu's nervous; he can tell. He's spent months, years, maybe, if you count the time before all this, learning to read the other young man. He's spread out on the bed before Gray, vest still on, scarf still wrapped around his neck, shorts simply pulled down; all a part of Gray's effort to decrease any feelings of vulnerability.

"Natsu," he breathes, trying so hard to make his eyes kind, trusting. He eyes the boy's tense body, his clenched teeth. "It's okay. You know you can just safeword out if you need to. I'm not going to be mad, or disappointed. It won't be a set-back. It'll just be a word. Just a word, and I stop."

Natsu nods, swallowing dryly, fists clenched.

"Natsu," Gray repeats. "Relax, or I'm not doing anything."

Natsu lets out a shaky laugh, and Gray uses that opportunity to kiss him. It's a slow little progression, that open press of lips, moving like molasses dripping from moss-covered trees under the heating sun. A smooth little slide of tongue, at the entrance of Natsu's mouth, asking for permission. A resounding yes, displayed by a groan and a push of Natsu's tongue against his own. Dry, chapped lips work against Gray's own, but they're soft, and become slick with spit until Gray can bite at them the way he knows Natsu likes, the way he likes as well.

"What do you want me to do?" Gray groans, even though they both know what the goal is; he has to hear Natsu say it. He slides cool hands up underneath Natsu's vest, strokes the warm, tan skin idly; there's time. There's always time, now. They've been doing this long enough that Gray knows he doesn't have to rush, because there will always be time.

Gray distracts his bedfellow by biting at his neck, and then, that little juncture at the base of his throat and collar-bone, and Natsu groans. Gray's not really sure if it's a Dragon Slayer thing, seeing as they've got those big chompers, or just a Natsu thing. It doesn't really matter; either way, the boy likes biting and being bitten, that's for sure. When there are warm puffs of breath sliding over his dark hair, he weaves a hand down slowly towards Natsu's cock.

It's measured; paced. He strokes soft fingers over it first, light, and Natsu's hips spasm, even though he's still completely flaccid. Gray leaves him marks that say, "I will bring heat there, I will bring pleasure there," as he scoots his way down the bed. Natsu tenses, and Gray follows down the dusty trail of hair beneath his belly button with a light finger.

The tension in Natsu's frame increases. So Gray kisses the spot just under his hip bone, nearest to his groin, and begins to suck a mark into the tanned flesh, and Natsu groans. That one, bright purple, and he gives a little grin, and moves to leave another one on the inside of Natsu's thigh, which earns him a chuckled "fuck you," from Natsu. The man's cock has started to ever-so-slightly fill with blood, looking a bit heavier, pink, and Gray trails his fingers along the shaft again, running one up the large vein underneath. Natsu shivers at that, until Gray is wrapping him in his hand, spit-slicked, and begins pumping softly.

He looks up to check Natsu's eyes; looking down, relaxed. This is still familiar territory, after all. Gray keeps leaving little bites and kisses, stroking Natsu harder, sometimes switching hands, sometimes twisting, until the man is fully hard and bucking up into his fist; Gray has his mouth teasing at the base of his cock.

"What do you want, Natsu?" Gray forces out, mouth busy, slowing his strokes on Natsu's cock to an agonizing pace.

"I-I--" Natsu manages, panting, and Gray looks at him under large lashes.

"Do you want me to suck your cock?"

Natsu nods like he's just been asked if he'd like to live rather than die.

"You gotta say it, Natsu," Gray murmurs, lips mouthing at the base of his cock again.

" _Yes_ ," Natsu forces out, breath leaving him in a wave. "Yes, yes."

Gray nods, gears turning in his mind, and he licks up Natsu's cock slowly, determined to keep eye contact. Natsu pants, hips bucking up as Gray licks at the head of his cock.

"Steady," Gray says, only slightly teasing. He tongues at the head again, before taking it into his mouth. Natsu gasps in air when he sucks, soft at first, and then harder, harder as he starts to work his way down Natsu's cock. Natsu's clutching at the bedsheets like they're an anchor, and Gray slinks his mouth back up, sucking hard on the head again. Natsu's cock spasms in his mouth, leaking out a spurt of precome, and Gray moves back down again, hand circling around the base of Natsu's cock.

He takes him deeper into his mouth again, looks up to see Natsu looking down at him, looking reverent. He presses his tongue hard into the vein, dragging it back up as he licks up to the head. Gray wants to grin at Natsu's noises, but it's not exactly physically possible like this; so he just massages his tongue, with a steady force, on the underside of Natsu's cockhead. That makes Natsu thrust into his mouth, and Gray takes him in easily, about to swallow around him when Natsu thrusts again.

He almost coughs, but breathes through his nose, looking up to see Natsu completely lost. A few stray fingers stroking his thigh, and Gray rubs the head into the side of his cheek, and Natsu thrusts back into his throat, almost glancing his teeth. Another thrust, and he's coming down Gray's throat, bitterness filling his mouth.

He doesn't mind; he just swallows around the cock in his mouth. He sucks Natsu softly through the aftershocks, until the man is shaking in oversensitivity. Gray pulls off, looking up at the man to see tears in the Dragon Slayer's eyes.

"You okay?" he asks, voice utterly wrecked.

"A little jealous," Natsu says in a hoarse whisper, trying to joke about Gray's prowess, but his mouth is twisting down as the tears start coming faster out his eyes. "Come--" a swallow. "Come 'er--" he can't get it out, but Gray gets the message.

He crawls up the bed, wraps Natsu up in his arms, and Natsu puts on a show of being embarrassed about crying, (although Gray knows he isn't at this point), covering his face.

"Was it okay?" he asks softly, tentative.

"Oh, fuck you," Natsu chokes out. "You know it was amazing, you dumb shit," he laughs, still heaving out tears.

Gray tries not to smile, and fails.

It's a bit of a collision course. It's tricky. It's not easy. Things will never be easy. It'll always be a challenge. Natsu will go on dragging his shit around, shit he maybe can't ever let go of; but Gray's got some of his own baggage.

It'll never be perfect; but "perfect" is utterly fucking boring.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I noticed that the last time I updated this was right before going to trauma therapy for the first time. Maybe it's because I have another outlet, maybe it was just too much to handle writing and dealing with that at once; I don't know. But just because this fic is over doesn't mean I'm done with that part of my life. I'm not. It's gonna be a journey, but; I'm kind of excited. I thought it was realistic to show Natsu having some trouble getting it up here, even for how young he is. And look, sex will not fix your problems; it just happens that it's a release for Natsu and can be a healthy way for him to cope and process what he's feeling. Some survivors will always have sex acts they never want to do. And just because Natsu was able to get over this hurdle, doesn't mean he's fixed. That being said, I wanted a realistic, but happy ending. 
> 
> Also, Gray giving head like he has a PhD in it, amiright? Totally my headcanon. Okay, I love you guys and I'm TOTALLY NOT CRYING. I'm just so happy I got to give this fandom some representation, and I'm so happy I got to have this outlet. 
> 
> Hurray for Gray sucking dick, that's all I have to say. And Natsu deserves everything wonderful in life; they both do.


End file.
